September 4: King & Queen Statue Carvings

Wednesday, September 5, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 2:11 AM
Given to Tim from Joyce.

If a school system or a small business implements a recognition program for its employees and you are an employee in one of those systems, get ready.  Hunker down, stock up on bottled water and canned goods, and be prepared to get your colored piece of paper and recognition pin/trophy.  It may not happen within year one of the program starting or by year five (if you're totally incompetent), but I guarantee you'll get one before you retire with 30 years and on 90% of your last three year's salary.  As a side note, if you manage to make it to 30 years and you don't get any recognition fluff, I'm willing to bet the earnings from next summer's Kool-Aid stand that they'll give you one on the day of your retirement, applying it retroactively to sometime about eight years prior when you've already been 20 years checked out too long.

If all this stuff about recognition programs doesn't make any sense, here's an example I think most of us can get behind.  If you've eaten at Chipotle, you'll notice they have a 'featured item' board.  Take a close look next time you're in line.  They have four items on their menu and they pick one out that is the same exact price and has the same exact description of what it says two menu boards over.  Sooner or later, one of the other three items is going to be the featured item (for the day? month? year?).  It's an inevitability.  Just like the award programs.

Mangoes should be soft, but not
too soft
-Profession: Workers Comp Account Manager; Musician

-Favorite thing to dust: Nightstand

-When you dial 846 in the United Kingdom, you get TIM, a speaking clock telephone service.  What kind of voice do you think it is?:  A female undercover you're getting a secret code.  It's proper British, not slummy or slang British.  It's kind of robotic, too.

-Tiny Tim grew up to be _______?:  A money-grubbing guy that screws people over and shuts down industry.

-Tim is the name of several inhabited localities in Russia.  What do you think they could use in those inhabited areas?:  Probably some organic, seasonally-conscious mangoes or cabbage.