August 7: Outdoor Marriage Plaque

Wednesday, August 8, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 12:57 AM
Given to Jen from Emily.
Marriage is also a lot like spooning with your
wife as if she were an astronomical body
We continue with the weekly series "Do's and Don'ts", now focusing on GUY-DON'Ts.

GUY-DON'Ts: I strongly advise against congratulating a woman with a bump where her stomach lays.     You're never in safe territory at any stage of a woman pregnancy.  If you have to comment, I recommend only when it's your wife/significant other who is carrying your child and her stage of pregnancy is at the watermelon stage.  Then, you might be okay.  If it is the woman you impregnated and she asks you to comment on the bump, excuse yourself to go and water the garden.

Pleated pants are definitely on the outs right now.  I don't care who you are.  Make a trip to the nearest Goodwill and deposit them.  I don't even think the people who need clothing are wearing pleated pants.  They are so out.  And so will you be if you wear a pair within 5000 ft. of a woman.

Giving an unmarried woman a plaque that talks about marriage sun and moonbeams is definitely wrong.  WRONG WRONG WRONG.  Jen didn't even say anything to me and I cowered.  I felt like I committed a venial sin.  This plaque was given to Emily three years ago at her wedding, where it found a home in her closet.  Jen's giving it to her parents for their wedding anniversary, setting a record for the fastest re-gift since 1994.

By analogy, pulling a bicuspid is like
making a right into the parking lot
-Profession: Dentist

-Favorite Tub & Tile cleaner: Scrubbing Bubbles

-You're looking forward to competing in your first Ironman competition.  If Pepper Potts, Ironman's (a.k.a. Tony Stark) love interest was an athletic competition, what would she be?:  Competitive dog walking.

-What activity outside of your job actually feels like pulling teeth?:  Driving to work

-When you take a step and press it into the ground, are you 'implanting' your footprint?:  No, it's just a step.