December 7: Bucky Balls

Saturday, December 8, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 1:48 AM
Given to Ashley from Scott.
It took a lot of balls for Scott to give this up. 
I'm a vegetarian.  I don't broadcast it and I go about my business when I'm eating my meals throughout the day.  I don't try to convert people to eat this way.  And I don't have any trendy t-shirts that identify me with this group of people.  But today is a microcosm, containing some of the typical questions I get on a day-to-day basis are listed below.  Ahem...let me elaborate:

-Oh my god, you can't eat this!  It has eggs in it!:  Not true.  Vegetarians like eggs and cheese and all the good things in life, unlike vegans.  Vegans are like the character of Silas from The Da Vinci Code by committing a form of culinary mortification.  Denying yourself cheese is a sin in and of itself.  Bypassing deviled eggs at your next company picnic will also extend your stay in purgatory.

-Do you eat fish?:  I can overlook this one, but those bastards are called 'pescatarians'.  A fish is still a meat source.  Vegetarians like their plant-based foods.  Clearly, there is a gap.

-So, you must eat a lot of tofu then, eh?:  Tofu gets such a bad rap.  I presume they've never heard of beans or nuts or tempeh or seitan (I'm just getting warmed up)?  I want to respond that without the miracle of tofu, vegetarians everywhere would lose all muscle mass and eventually perish because they would be getting zero protein in their diets.  But really, I just bristle at the question because it makes me feel like a 40-year old woman from the early-90s who wears either bright pink or purple athletic wear.  Yes, you read that right...and there's nothing rational about it.

-Don't you miss a good steak?:  This is my favorite question--snarky retorts abound here.  What I want to say here is "I do miss a good steak, but I don't miss getting a triple bypass".  Or I just want to wail at how good steak eaters have it and I'm really very miserable here with my rice pilaf and artichoke hearts and that there's no reason for me to continue on.

Hootie & The Blowfish's new hit:
"Hold My Ham"
Ashley
-Profession: University Alumni Rockstar

-Favorite coupon: Free Bagel at Bruegger's.  I found 29 of them in a dumpster; they expired in a month.  I ate a bagel a day for a whole month.

-You work and are getting your MBA at the same school and you share both experiences with one person.  Is he becoming...
[A] your inseparable best friend with whom you have no barriers
[B] future spouse
[C] burgeoning enemy because you're sick of him
[D] other

I think [A].  I'm the sister/mom/wife he never wanted.  He got annoyed one time when he was out at Panera Bread by himself and someone asked him where I was.  He wasn't happy.

-Say you're fixing some toast in the morning and you have the following spreads listed below.  Please rank them and then select the one you'd take with out if you were on the run.
-peanut butter-2
-strawberry jam-3
-cream cheese-6
-butter-5
-apple butter-4
-herbed cheese spread-7
-Nutella-1

I'd take peanut butter.  It's healthier.  That's all I'm saying.

-Please write a limerick that reflects your being a 'foodie':

There once was a blowfish named Hootie,
Who was hungry and always moody.
So we gave him a snack,
Which he quickly attacked,
And now he is officially a foodie.