December 15: Beyonce Pulse Perfume & Matroyshka 6 Piece Measuring Cup Set

Given to Jessica from Ina.

If you like [the smell of] it, then you'll probably still be single.

Since this is a high school reunion edition of the GWEGE (Great White Elephant Gift Exchange) with Jess and me, I should tell you that I had no business belonging to Academic Challenge, an extra-curriclar club that pits schools against each other in a battle of wits and smarts. My brother was on it for four years prior to my arrival and, since he's a genius, he got a lot of points for our school. I think they assumed the same lightning-quick access to odd information, such as mountain ranges in South America or calculating the answer to a trig problem, was passed through the bloodline. It wasn't. I do remember getting a question about a Venn diagram correct and another on Johann Strauss. [Clap, clap, clap...clap.]

But I remember when my brother graduated and I entered as a fresh-faced ninth grader, his stalker crush from Tess Kinney was passed along to me like a bad cold. Tess had the HOTS for my bro due to a combination of devilishly handsome good looks, emotional unavailability, and a butt part in his hair. Despite countless opportunities at Masquers after-parties, Tess's advances went down like the Heisenberg. French 101 enabled her to try again with more vulnerable prey, but due to a combination of late-onset puberty, my unwanted French teacher's advances [not joking] that kept every girl at bay, and a butt part in my hair, she struck out in her second at-bat. I believe when she ran into my parents at the Homecoming football game, she begged them to conceive a third son.

Jessica Joy
-Profession: Super Professional Actress

-Favorite home ec tip: A small swatch of velvet can be used to rub out deodorant stains.

-You and I went to high school together. What do you have written around my sophomore yearbook picture (or what do you wish you could have written around it)?:
I
I just
I just wanted
I just wanted to
I just wanted to take
I just wanted to take up
I just wanted to take up space
I just wanted to take up space in
I just wanted to take up space in your
I just wanted to take up space in your yearbook!

-You're an actress. When you get your own trailer, what kind of...
...snacks would you have in it?: Low carb, because I want to be scary skinny!
...furniture would you have?: A couch that isn't leather, because leather feels gross and I need to take naps.
...picture would you have in it?: None, because as soon as I started making the trailer personal, that show would get cancelled or something.

- Rank the following in which you get the most joy:
-using Joy dish detergent: (1 - I love cleanliness)
-eating an Almond Joy: (4 - I hate almonds!)
-spraying a friend with Joy perfume: (2 - I love smells!)
-playing "Ode to Joy" on a reed instrument: (3 - Music is fun!)