December 27: Black & Decker Automatic Jar Opener

Friday, December 28, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 1:10 AM
Given to Tessa from Ron.

At Christmas mass, my family had two encounters with people masquerading as FBI and CIA operatives, inspired by my mom's recent health issue.

FBI: My sister is a reader at church.  A woman who lives in the same down as my family approached my sister and asked her how my mom was feeling.  "Good," she replied.
"No really, how is your mom doing?"
-"She's good," my sister said again.
"No, that's not quite right.  What's going on with your mom?"
-"She's feeling fine."
"No, I saw you driving her in town the other day.  How is your mom doing?"

And there were about five other questions trying to get my sister to break.  What did she want her to say?  "Yes, after your ninth question asking the same damn thing, I realize I was mistaken and that my mom's getting a sex change operation.  It's been pretty hard on my dad.  Send flowers, please"

CIA: Another woman and her son were on covert ninja stalking mode once church ended.  My mom was talking with an old friend, while my brother and I stood like bodyguards on her right side.  First the woman lingered a little too long after getting up, adjusting her coat and scarf and trying to find that imaginary pack of Lifesavers that dropped in her purse from heaven.  Then, she wasn't fully ready to leave, taking off her coat and scarf, putting it in the pew, fixing her necklace, then re-dressing.

She proceeded to walk to the back section of the church, circling back on the other side of the row of seats, and pausing on a parallel plane with our position.  She moved to the front of the church, doing some extra genuflecting (getting bonus points with God), looked back to see if my mom was free, and the re-adjusted her coat and scarf again and tried to find that Applebee's red buzzer that appeared to be going off in her purse.  Finally, after casing the whole place, she left.

Time of journey if she left on a normal route: 30 seconds.
Time of journey with the route she took: 4 minutes, 15 seconds.

-Profession: Explorer

-Favorite part of a volcano:  Ashes in the sky

-You host a radio show.  If Delilah, John Tesh, TK Tom Kent, and Ryan Seacrest were all playing poker, who'd have the best poker face?:  Delilah.  I remember listening to her before going to bed.  She'd tell some super sad story or have some dramatic element in her story.  She'd have pretend emotions on the radio, so I'm sure she'd be good.

-For fun, you like Indian fusion--a kind of dance; it also sounds like a kind of food.  What kind of dance move would 'curry' be?:  Using your arms in a circular motion in a smooth, but fast manner at a dramatic moment in the song.

-What's the last thing you approved with a thumbs up?:  Today at work, I approved a black t-shirt contest.