December 6: $10 Starbucks Giftcard

Friday, December 7, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 12:51 AM
Given to Scott from David.

I never needed a squirt of Purell more than I did tonight.  I stepped out of my apartment at dark.  While heading for my car in the parking lot out back, I passed a guy who was lugging some Taco Bell back to his place.  A few paces after I passed him, I saw a black wallet on the ground.  I got his attention to see if it was his.  I picked it up, he fingered it, said it wasn't and gave it back to me.

It was a black cloth wallet with a sturdy velcro strap.  My intentions were to see who it belonged to, so I could run it up to my neighbor's apartment.  I opened it up and found a picture of a dude and his girlfriend.  There were no credit cards or a driver's license and only a black business card that I didn't care to read lay in the back middle pocket.  I opened up the area where the money goes and there was a random assortment of four condoms.  Ewwwww....I couldn't get to my sanitizer fast enough.

I remember a video from my sex education class in high school.  Set in the 70s, this rube kept a condom in his wallet and got a girl pregnant.  The heat of his thigh or butt (I can't remember where he kept his wallet) caused the prophylactic to disintegrate.  I wish I could bring it out and leave a copy for my neighbor to view.

-Profession: IT

-Favorite Boy Band: N'Sync, no question

-Give me your best sales pitch to sell a dial-up modem:  Aren't you sick of relying on ISP's for your Internet access?  Tired of constant outages?  Well, a dial-up modem is just the thing for connecting you and your loved ones to the World Wide Web.  93 seconds and you will be surfing the Net with relative ease.  Pshhhkkkkkkrrrrkakingkakingkakingtshchchchchchchchcch*ding*ding*ding

-You're about to get married.  What part of a bad toast are you most looking forward to?:  The part where I duck out to use the restroom.

-You're the 23rd bearded gift exchanger.  Are you jolly?:  I'd say I'm somewhere between peaceful and jolly.  But I definitely don't like the color Red and I'd like to think that I am neither old or fat.