April 27: White Teeth: A Novel

Saturday, April 28, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 3:17 AM
Given to Jeff from Lauren.
Author's Orbit gum addiction tell-all
Today, a group of Mormons were standing in a well-trafficked building--playing trivia games and Oreo cookie contests, while passing out The Book of Mormon in a few different languages--including Spanish--in the process.  The Oreo game was a hoot.  Here's how it works: you tilt your head back until it is parallel with the ground.  Then, without using your hands, you find a way to get the cookie into your mouth.  In my first attempt, I tried flipping the cookie like a seal, which was not the proper technique.  The Mormon brother used his facial muscles, particularly the ones in his forehead, to inch the cookie to his mouth.  [side note: I bet George Burns would have been good at a game like this.]

I tried to mimic his movements on my second go-'round, but one observer told me I "didn't have the nose for it", whatever that means.  The next few turns, the cookie always went to one side of my face, like the Plinko chip that always went to the $0 space.  If this indeed was The Price is Right, you would not see me and my crazy get-up in the Showcase Showdown, but I would have reached into Brother Ray's pocket to see if he had any money.

Served as inspiration for Will Ferrell
in Old School
-Profession: Business Owner & Engineer

-Favorite cartoon character: Mighty Mouse

-Have you ever surprised someone with a feat of strength or intelligence?:  I was Valedictorian in both high school and college.  I think I surprised everyone.  They didn't think I was that smart.

-And you've surprised people by the women you've been with?:  I've been surrounded by women my whole life.  I have 2 sisters, 3 daughters, and 1 grand daughter.  One night, all of us and my wife and my niece were all out at a restaurant.  They were all dressed up and looking real nice.  This guy comes up to me as we're walking out and says, "How'd you get all those women, dude?"  I think they were flattered in some weird way.

-But you not only studied hard, you partied hard, too?:  Yeah, I got to be class President during my senior year at college for six weeks.  The President I replaced knew he wasn't going to graduate because he flunked his classes.

I was the social chair of my fraternity and had this pot of money.  And we took that money and partied all over Ohio for an entire week.  We'd go to bars and it was free everything.  It probably the best week.  We all stumbled to get our diplomas.