December 25: City Chic: Six Stemless Wineglasses

Wednesday, December 26, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 12:51 AM
Given to Dino from Christine.
Country Chic glasses only have the stem
This handy little set of stemless wine glasses is perfect for someone who lacks social graces--in particular, how to hold a wine glass.  If you take a normal wine glass with its long stem and try to drink out of it with your chubby little fingers around the glass part of it, you look foolish.  You'll also look foolish if your fingers go up and down on the stem like a string bass during the course of your dinner party.  But I'm not here to offer etiquette tips.  I'm here to momentarily distract you from your last dinner party when you and this guy named Will were talking about which Glad storage bag is the best for gravy and you were looking for an out.

If you bust these out for serving wine, you'll be a-okay.  No stem to confuse things--and only one logical place to grab.  Kind of like a handshake.

If Dino likes you, he'll give you cookies.
If he doesn't, you'll get pita chips.
Dino
-Profession: Automotive Service Consultant

-Favorite Flintstone character: Betty

-You enjoy riding motorcycles where a 'hello' wave is low, somewhat cocked thumbs up.  Come up with a new gesture and meaning when riding your motorcycle:  It'd be a flat hand parallel to the ground, which would mean to ride steady.

-Between you, me and the rest of the world, are there any fluff car parts?:  A lot of the pollution stuff could go and your car would start.  And probably the studs on the wheels on the exhaust manifold.

-I'm sure you greatly appreciate hearing the the term 'grease monkey' to describe your profession.  Can you think of an equally flattering slang term for the customers who would call you that?:  PITA (Pain In The Ass)

December 24: Photo by Sandra

Tuesday, December 25, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 1:32 AM
Given to Christine from Sandra.


This amazing photo that features a slice of Washington state comes courtesy of Sandra.  In applying the expression "judging a book by its cover" to Sandra, you'd find her interesting, talented, fun and artistic.  But, we're told never to make snap judgements when we are meeting people, so I'm just waiting for her alter-ego, Captain Dullsville, to spring out of her body and put me to sleep.

What won't put me to sleep, I'll tell you, is buckwheat flour.  Mmm..mmm!  I love it.  I was in the flour aisle of the grocery store yesterday, trying to figure out which kind I was going to buy in order to make some dee-licious pancakes for my family.  The final contestants were buckwheat, spelt, and cornmeal.  It took about 30 seconds of rationalizing to get to an answer; let me take you on my reverie.

Years ago, I helped market maple syrup from a local farm at a farmer's market; oftentimes, we'd make buckwheat pancakes.  When friendly patrons would stop by for a taste, they ultimately would mumble something like, "Mmm...is this buckwheat?...mmm."  The 'mmm's' in this instance used to signify deep pleasure and appreciation in eating a tasty colon roto-rooter.  And if they sampled that pancake with that syrup, they'd buy some syrup.  The buckwheat symbolized hearth and home or some other non-sense like that.  Simply put: I cleaned up.

So back to the store.  With this memory firmly in tow, the other two couldn't stack up (har har).  It's fun to impress your friends with spelt by telling them it's the world's oldest crop plant in the world, but buckwheat's the new spelt.  Cornmeal's fun if you don't want certain people to eat your pancakes, namely energy hawks who think it's a waste to grow any corn products designed for eating.  As you correctly predicted, buckwheat won.

Christine
-Profession: Theater Tech and Make-up Artist

-Favorite method to spend your money: Tapping my Pay Pass or Blink credit card with a built-in micro chip

-How would two make-up artists who are dating, but are currently fighting, make up?:  By making it look like they got into a fight.  Bruises are fun to make.

-As a figure skater for 12 years, if you had to recommend kids not doing either a triple-toe-loop or a flying camel at home, which one would it be?:  Probably the triple-toe-loop.  If you do a flying camel and miss, you'll land on your stomach and maybe get the wind knocked out of you.  If you miss on a triple-toe-loop, you'll break an ankle.

-What do you think is the most convincing Halloween make-up?:  Real Effects that makes fake blood in disgustingly real varieties like lung blood, old blood, or semi-congealed blood.

December 23: Campus Queen 1934 Trophy and "Treasury of Baseball Drills" Book

Monday, December 24, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 1:57 AM
Given to Sandra from Paul.
The trophy was awarded for anyone who
could get to home plate.
When Sandra dropped off the food to my table last evening, I'm not sure she knew what she was getting into.  I was impressed with her spunk, so much so that I'll be suggesting that Ben & Jerry's make her custom flavor of Spunky Spumoni, with her face and some thumbs up or something spontaneous adorning the pint.  After a short get-to-know-you conversation ensued, I asked her to be a part of this exchange and--presto--I met up with her today.  4 bonus points to Sandra!

Actually, that's the other thing about her that caught my attention.  We both have a bonus point system in place for people who do awesome things.  The only difference is that I would have to be friends with her for like 42 years before I saw any tangible rewards from it; granted, I didn't flush out all the details from her, but she had something crazy like 100,000 bonus points to achieve anything.  Mine is fairly simple:

25 points = ice cream cone
50 points = free limerick + cone
75 points = 1000 of my American Airlines frequent flyer miles + limerick + cone
100 points = polishing of one pair of shoes + free pint of beer

And the scale ascends up and up.  I think one person got over the 100 point mark and was at something like 175 when I bought her dinner, julienned some carrots for her, and accompanied her to Bath & Bodyworks for over an hour.

For the record, Sandra, as of December 23, 2012, has 7 bonus points.


With one Sandra makeover, I just
became the second most interesting
man in the world.
Sandra
-Profession: Bartender; Artist; Entrepreneur

-Favorite activity to do on a long layover: Call family

-You enjoy giving people makeovers in your spare time.  How could you spruce me up?:  A suit and tie.  I'd put you on a nice park bench with a great dane and two hot babes standing behind you.  I'd have you smoking a cigar and sipping on a glass of champagne.

-If you and Sandra Day O'Connor were doing your favorite hobbies--gardening and drawing--what would you be doing specifically with her?:  We'd be working on the hot pepper part of the garden and we'd be drawing little babies.

-The sound of laser printers warming up makes you happy.  What does the sound of one being forcibly shut down do to you?:  It freaks me out.  I have to take some deep breaths.

December 22: Oberlin College Tote Bag

Sunday, December 23, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 1:57 AM
Given to Paul from John.

I did a little peeking into the metrics behind my blog yesterday, including data such as the number of page views I get, where they come from, and how people find my site when they are doing an internet search.  Someone stumbled onto my site by searching "Is deodorant a good white elephant gift?".  Now, as we've been seeing day-in and day-out this year, white elephant gifts are items that are re-gifted or are humorous.  Let's use that description to evaluate this query:

Would deodorant make an appropriate re-gifted item?  The short answer--yes.  For example, if you're an effeminate man who got somehow managed to get some Degree Women in your stocking, that stick might be in fertile territory for a re-gift.  Or if you wear Brut and want to pass on some class to another chap, this would also be excellent to pass back through the cycle.

Would deodorant be humorous?:  The short answer-no.  Most people need deodorant to find a home socially.  I don't want to consider the possibilities without it.  The only time when passing along deodorant would be humorous is if someone's shit, and armpits, didn't stink, and wafted instead of the potpourri found in your aunt's house.  "Yeah, let's get Jim some deodorant for the exchange," exclaims one co-worker to another.  "He smells good all the time.  That will be hilarious!"

Paul
-Profession: Development Officer

-Favorite stadium jeer: Give him a kiss

-You used to throw batting practice to Cleveland Indians players.  When you put 'mustard' on the ball, you throw it faster.  What happens when you put 'ketchup' on the ball?:  It's a spit ball--kind of like a high speed knuckle ball.
-What about relish on the ball?:  It's the ejection ball.

-You have a nice mustache...when does a 'stache become creepy on someone?:  When it's trimmed Hitler style.

-Paul the Octopus successfully predicted the winner of the 2010 World Cup.  What else would you trust him to predict?:  Better answers to the stupid baseball questions you just asked me.

December 21: Batman Mighty Wallet and Water Clock

Saturday, December 22, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 12:30 AM
Given to John from Amanda.

I'd like to give myself, you, and my lone visitor from Jordan a pat on the back for getting through today and effectively sticking our tongues out at the Mayans and Nostradamus.  My co-worker Anne was particularly sensitive to my jitters when I told her of the estate buyer who was stationed in my apartment last evening, looking to buy all of my worldly possessions.  She texted, "New Zealand made it to December 21", so I kicked the buyer out before he could pilfer my toaster oven.  This morning I found a delicious chocolate and custard flaked pastry on my desk, courtesy of Anne, with a simple note written on the bag--"We're still alive".  I feel like we dodged a major bullet, but that took none of the suspense out of my meals today.  All were Apocalypse-themed (think multiple courses with samplings of each appetizer, entree, and dessert on the menu) and all featured some raised eyebrows from the company I kept; they probably thought my sanity had been wiped out by a giant meteor.

People try to remain friends after
a trade gone awry
John
-Profession: Alumni Relations Professional

-Favorite tennis player: Boris Becker

-You've been to every baseball stadium (31 in total).  How much did you spend on overpriced souvenirs and food?:  I got a souvenir cup ($10), a drink ($5), a stadium dog ($5) and a bobblehead ($25).  So about $45 per stadium.

-You're a two-time fantasy baseball champion.  What kind of smack can you talk?:  Well, there's daily smack, even in the offseason.  It usually revolves around trades.  If someone makes a bad trade, we'll ask, "Did you get kissed first before you got f&*ked?'

-You're the 24th bearded gift exchanger.  Are you jolly?:  I am very jolly, even with it turning grey.




December 20: "The Husband"

Friday, December 21, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 7:36 AM
Given to Amanda from Jason.

Since the Watergate scandal during Richard Nixon's term, don't you find that adding -gate to your issue du jour is really fun?  Think Spygate (the New England Patriots taping their opponents plays) or Nipplegate (Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl).  I like adding -gate to my own personal struggles.  For instance, I had trouble affixing a tie on the other day before work and called it Tiegate.  I had a stuffed mushroom entree that didn't agree with me, which became Portabellogate.  I couldn't find my friend Jack in a crowded room, so I called it Where-the-f&*k-is-that-b#*&^#d-Jack-gate.  I'm sure, by now, you get the drift.

Try it out for size.  Not only will you find that adding -gate to your issues is an easy formula, but you'll also find it downright pleasurable.  And it'll add that little ounce of drama (and news coverage) you probably didn't realize you were missing.

Amanda
-Profession: Fishwife

-Favorite makeshift bed: When all of the guest houses in Laos were full, I knocked on a villager's door and they put us up.

-You have a blackbelt in Tae Kwon Do; in Korea, anyone who has a blackbelt in it must register themselves as a weapon.  If people with a blackbelt had previously named their biceps (i.e. Smith and Wesson; Lois & Clark), what would they do if they wanted to also name themselves in the same manner?:  It'd be okay.  They would name all three parts (or more) as if there were parts on a sophisticated weapon, like a Swiss Army knife.

-A fishmonger (the male version of a fishwife) is referred to in Hamlet as a 'fleshmonger', or pimp.  Describe how you would distinguish yourself as a pimp.:  With fishnet stockings and Catwoman boots.

-You don't like action movies that show 'dents' in peoples' faces.  Equate that dislike with a food you don't like.:  Any type of raw meat or seafood at a market.  I would still eat it, much like I would still watch the movie; I just wouldn't enjoy it.

December 19: Christmas Mug with Cocoa and Chocolate Lentil Cane

Thursday, December 20, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 7:35 AM
Given to Jason from Dana.

From about two weeks prior to Christmas, it's really hard to have good timing, isn't it?  The same's true for Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or any other major holiday, but Christmas is a special case.  When do you wish someone happy holidays?  If you wish it too soon and see that person before the holidays, it's awkward for some reason and if you're at a party or something, it's unlikely you'll engage in any conversation at all.  An ill-timed, pre-emptive Christmas wish seals off future Christmas wishing and sort of puts you in conversational quarantine.  You can feel your insides churn when you say to yourself, "I really want to talk to Hank, but I can't because...ahhh....I already gave him his 'have a great holiday' wish.  I...was...too...early."  It's like you already said goodbye, but are sticking around like an expectant teenager, hoping your hormone high date will still kiss you before night's end, even though you keep saying goodbye and how much fun you had.

Post, or belated, Christmas wishing has a definite shelf life of about a week and comes with none of the baggage of pre-Christmas wishing.  You can ask about the person's Christmas if you saw them each day after the holiday for a week and no one would think you weird.  Pay attention to it.  And be careful about who you're pre-wishing this holiday season.

He'd even go to the bottom of the
ocean to get a ring for Brittany.
Jason
-Profession: Alumni Relations Manager

-Favorite made-up excuse:  I was napping, sorry.

-Jason is a cat on the BBC Series Blue Peter.  If he and Garfield went on a trip together, what would happen?:  They'd start in England and take the Chunnel to France.  Once there, they would go and meet a Parisian chef who will teach them how to make gourmet lasagna.

-You absolutely love, love, love Brittany Spears.  Please rank the following extreme situations from least qualms to most qualms you would have in saving her from the following situations:
-trapped in a collapsed mineshaft (3)
-surrounded by a circle of fire (1)
-10-sec away from being eaten by a shark (4) I don't think she has a chance here.
-on a tectonic plate during an earthquake (2)

-In your spare time, you enjoy watching all kinds of HGTV shows.  If you and another person were in a price war for a house, what extreme measure would you take to get it?:  I'd sabotage the home inspection with some planted mice so that my competitors would pull out of the bidding.