September 5: Large New Kids on the Block pin and Cleveland Cavaliers Hat 

Thursday, September 6, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 12:45 AM
Given to Richard from Tim.
The Cavaliers had better 'face the music by 'hangin' tough'
and taking their season 'step by step' by passing the ball
into 'the block' more often
It's the symbolic end of summer once Labor Day is passed.  Fall will be coming shortly and I'll be looking to take a vacation.  I've scoured my address book to see if any friends would be interested in going on a week's voyage with me--somewhere, anywhere.  No dice.  Everyone I've asked is either saving vacation time to come home to see their loved ones at Thanksgiving or Christmas or have already used it earlier in the year.  I even asked some acquaintance-type people if they wanted to bum around with me.  However, being that they're acquaintances, I wasn't sure if they knew enough about what I brought to the table as a travel companion.  That can be risky.  I think any couple before they get serious with one another should go on a road trip together--it is analogous to an intro-level weed-out course.

In the hopes of quelling any fears, I put together a travel resume, highlighting both my general skills, as well as specific skills, that I bring to the table.  In case you'd like to come along with me this fall, here are my general skills:
  •  Can convert dollars to foreign currency within 40% accuracy
  • Above-average conversationalist in museums and on guided trips
  • Actively working on committing Rick Steves’ travel guides to memory
  • No prior bad trip “baggage”
  • Saves airline salt and pepper packets for future use
  • Owns a watch

Cured his disease with some Q-tips,
Laffy Taffy, and cod liver oil
Richard
-Profession: Anachronistic Child

-Favorite Coldplay song: Amsterdam

-Richard is a form of street football.  What would a player practice his juke move on before trying it out in a game situation?:  A mailbox.

-There are tons of historical British aristocrats named Richard.  What would your title be and what would you be known for?:  I would be known as Sir Doctor Jester Richard the 17th.  And I would be known for curing a disease I created.

-If you merged Richard Dean Anderson (MacGyver), Richard Petty (race car driver), and Richard Nixon (former U.S. President) into one person, what would you get?:  It would just be me.  I'm good with my hands, I like driving forward, and I'm scandalous.


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September 4: King & Queen Statue Carvings 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 2:11 AM
Given to Tim from Joyce.

If a school system or a small business implements a recognition program for its employees and you are an employee in one of those systems, get ready.  Hunker down, stock up on bottled water and canned goods, and be prepared to get your colored piece of paper and recognition pin/trophy.  It may not happen within year one of the program starting or by year five (if you're totally incompetent), but I guarantee you'll get one before you retire with 30 years and on 90% of your last three year's salary.  As a side note, if you manage to make it to 30 years and you don't get any recognition fluff, I'm willing to bet the earnings from next summer's Kool-Aid stand that they'll give you one on the day of your retirement, applying it retroactively to sometime about eight years prior when you've already been 20 years checked out too long.

If all this stuff about recognition programs doesn't make any sense, here's an example I think most of us can get behind.  If you've eaten at Chipotle, you'll notice they have a 'featured item' board.  Take a close look next time you're in line.  They have four items on their menu and they pick one out that is the same exact price and has the same exact description of what it says two menu boards over.  Sooner or later, one of the other three items is going to be the featured item (for the day? month? year?).  It's an inevitability.  Just like the award programs.
Mangoes should be soft, but not
too soft
Tim
-Profession: Workers Comp Account Manager; Musician

-Favorite thing to dust: Nightstand

-When you dial 846 in the United Kingdom, you get TIM, a speaking clock telephone service.  What kind of voice do you think it is?:  A female undercover one...like you're getting a secret code.  It's proper British, not slummy or slang British.  It's kind of robotic, too.

-Tiny Tim grew up to be _______?:  A money-grubbing guy that screws people over and shuts down industry.

-Tim is the name of several inhabited localities in Russia.  What do you think they could use in those inhabited areas?:  Probably some organic, seasonally-conscious mangoes or cabbage.

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September 3: Ceramic Turtle 

Tuesday, September 4, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 12:12 AM
Given to Joyce from Taylor.
Even ceramic turtles come out ahead
Ahh, today is Labor Day for about 60% of the U.S. population.  It's an extended weekend for many of us, except for those working in retail or in the service industry where those laborers obeyed the drone of their alarm clocks this morning to frost our bagels with cream cheese, re-fold a pair of Dockers trousers, or mop the polished granite tile that will get scuffed by the 60% of us tomorrow.  One worker at Discount Drug Mart told me it wasn't so bad--she didn't want to spend extended hours with her fam, plus she got time and a half today to wait on the trickle of humans coming in hoping to be saved some runaround.

I took the opportunity in the slight majority to Skype with my friends from Sweden.  Normally if we get the opportunity to chat, it is on the weekend when both of us are off.  Somewhat rhetorically they asked me if it was Labor Day.  When I answered yes, they laughed at me and continued laughing.  Embarrassed, but not knowing why, I inquired about their snickering.  With the best trash-talking I've seen a pair of Swedes do, they told me that it's much better to live in a country with a national religion because you get all the religious holidays off that account for more days off than the random federal holidays we get off, including Labor Day.  I'm moving to Brazil.

Her cereals are clamoring for change
Joyce
-Profession: Supervisor

-Favorite rest stop feature: Lottery machine

-If a copier committed a series of burglaries around town and then a copycat copier sprang up and committed burglaries, what would they be stealing?:  Copywritten articles and money.

-Do you have a normal milk pairing to all of your cereals or do you match different kinds of milk with different cereals (i.e. 1% with oatmeal, whole with Special K)?:  I go with 2% for everything.  I'm set in my ways.

-If you were stranded on a deserted island and you could only take one of the following with you (collate, copy, staple, 3-hole punch, and bind), which would it be?:  If I have to take one, I would take 'copy'.  But I don't see how any of those would be helpful on a deserted island.

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September 2: American Eagle Wooden Door Chime 

Sunday, September 2, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 11:27 PM
Given to Taylor from Eileen.

I'd like to marry two unrelated ideas for you.  First, my friend Ray knows karate and is some level of belt.  He tells me that after a karate or kung fu workout, he comes out of a session ready to kick just about anyone's ass on the street; he feels tough.  Gradually, the feeling diminishes and he goes about buying groceries without incident.

Second idea: on Friday, I saw the new Bourne film with my friend Heather; Jeremy Renner was a good choice, I thought, as the new flag bearer for the franchise.  You could smell 'sequel' throughout the whole thing and the last scene just about tells you the premiere of the next film.  Anyway, you're watching the Bourne films and Jason Bourne/Aaron Cross are adeptly able to sniff out the hired guns trailing them.

The two ideas married here are paranoia and a feeling extended beyond its confines.

I am going about my business here in my apartment and I tell my friend Jack about the neighbor across the way who I hear sometimes, but never see.  Long story short, I think I'm the subject of an FBI sting.  What they're investigating is beyond me, but that could be the only explanation.



Taylor
-Profession: College student

-Favorite flavor of yogurt: Vanilla with absolutely no fruit at the bottom

-As a native Cincinnatian, is the chili for real or is all just a big show?:  The chili here is truly amazing!

-How many college students would suffer from malnutrition were it not for Ramen?:  Ramen is considred one of the major food groups. You can even eat the noodles uncooked and they taste like chips. Very salty chips.

-Since you enjoy and play softball, do you use softball metaphors as to how far girls can get with guys?:  Ha, no, I feel like the men can pull it off but if your a woman you just seem a little butchy.

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September 1: Can of Star Gran Ragu Italian Tomato Sauce & Spiedie Sauce Marinade 

Saturday, September 1, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 12:45 PM
Given to Eileen from Jonny.
Don't get saucy with me
Jonny was born in Italy and loves this pasta sauce.  Last year, his wife bought him an entire case of the stuff and whenever he meets someone new or is reconnecting with an old friend, he'll give away a can of this sauce because of how amazing it is. However, he claims it's nothing like what they serve at Buca di Beppo.

For gift #2, he wanted to give something that was reflective of his growing up in upstate New York.  This brand of marinade is not known or sold outside of the region, but is also quite delicious.  Wouldn't the next great advance in romance be couples soaking in their favorite marinades?  "Oh Harriet!  Let me nibble on your honey hickory smoked forearms a little longer!"  I wonder if a woman who uses avocado-based wrinkle-removing creams tastes like guacamole.  "Sweet cheeks, your face is oh-so tender and soft. [kissing sounds]  Would you excuse me for a moment?  I'll be back with some chips."

Eileen
-Profession: Outreach

-Favorite liturgical vestment color: Red

-You have Hungarian roots.  Within 10, how many times in your life has someone had to you when you're hungry that you're a hungry Hungarian?:  Probably four.  I hang out with the right people, I think.  Maybe in childhood it happened more often, but I don't remember.

-Would you consider bringing and waving a liturgical candle at a Journey concert?:  Oh sure!  In a minute!  I would have no problem doing that!

-Has anyone ever cajoled you by saying "c'mon Eileen"?:  I don't think so.  Usually, they'll tell me 'I lean' a certain way.

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August 31: The Great Muppet Caper glass 

Friday, August 31, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 11:53 PM
Given to Jonny from Edwin.

I've come to an inescapable conclusion that I probably won't make it as either a pole dancer or stripper. Just don't have enough bulk around my sitting bones to make it enjoyable for the viewing public or lucrative enough for me to buy the Vespa I've been longing for.

The times when someone will say, "Hey, to figure out your stripper name, take the name of your first pet and the street you grew up" is spaced out enough so you think it's fresh and funny each time you hear it.  By those rules, my stripper name happens to be "Barney Mapleway".  I feel like I'm disrespecting my dear dog Barney's name each time I play along.  I don't like it.  But I probably don't like it because it sounds more like a children's television show sidekick name than anything else.

Speaking of something the kiddos would like, the gift passed along today is a McDonald's Happy Meal giveaway glass from 1981.

His wife likes the Captain Oscar
Sunshine salute 
Jonny
-Profession: WWE Live Event Producer

-Favorite window covering: Bamboo drapes that roll up

-A Johnnycake is a type of cornmeal flatbread.  I want you to close your eyes and imagine making it, going through all of the steps.  What temperature are you baking it at?:  Medium-high on a grill.  Man, that was a lot of build-up.

-If you and I were on opposing tag teams in a cage match, who would be my U.S. Presidential partner and who would be yours?:  You'd be the Blonde Brigade with Jimmy Carter.  I'd take Teddy Roosevelt.  He seems like the kinda guy I'd go fishing with after.
-What would Jimmy Carter's most feared move be?:  Well, since I was born during his presidency, I would say the Umbilical Elbow.

-Johnny is also the name for a condom.  Does that mean your member cannot have its own nickname?: Oh no!  It's Oscar Jr.  It was passed down from my father.  My girlfriends and my wife have no choice in the matter.

-You're the 19th bearded gift exchanger.  Are you jolly?:  Oh my God--yeah.  In my last job, they called me Captain Sunshine.

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August 30: Giant Chocolate Chip Cookie and $10 Giftcard to Joe's Deli (on Sunday) 

Thursday, August 30, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 11:45 PM
Given to Edwin from Fanny.

An auto mechanic being chauffeured in a limo.  A nurse giving blood.  A counselor taking advice.  You get the idea.  Situations of people doing things they "shouldn't" be doing or at least doing things we wouldn't expect to see them doing.  You'd do a double take, I'm sure, if you saw a physical therapist  slouching on a couch.  Or a dentist eating a chocolate chip cookie.

There's certainly nothing wrong with a dentist munching away on a chocolate chip cookie, but it just seemed scandalous.  After I presented Edwin with his gift today, he must have had the mid-morning hungers when he started munching on his cookie.  Behind my placid expression, I thought, "WHAT?!? NO?!?!  SWEET PRINCE OF PERSIA!  SOMEONE CALL PAULA DEEN!!"  I covertly looked around at the office staff and they seemed perfectly fine with it, too.  The fourth wall had been broken.

Now, I want to send a personal note of reassurance to Edwin: I hope you continue your cookie eating habits and please don't change anything on my behalf.  In fact, for my next appointment, I'll bring the milk and a snicker doodle, k?

The $10 gift certificate says it's only good on Sundays.  Har har, the restaurant is closed on Sundays.  Cue the disappointment music.

Brushed between each bite of his
cookie
Edwin
-Profession: Dentist

-Favorite tooth: Anyone without a cavity

-When you get together with colleagues at professional dental conferences, do any of you broach the subject of magazine subscriptions?:  No, not really.  But there are some that would push the envelope.  We get two copies of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and there have been a few Entertainment Weekly covers with nude covers.

-Do you dread your dental check-up?:  No.  I've never had any dental work done.

-There are health education campaigns to encourage young children to brush and floss.  How might you encourage a senior citizen to floss?:  Tell them it's bourbon-flavored.

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