April 20: "Nuts on Clark" chocolate covered pretzels and banana chips

Friday, April 20, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 2:32 PM
Given to Patricia from Christina.
Two sacks from "Nuts on Clark"
Clearly, even if you were the most sheltered person in the world, you'd know that "Nuts on Clark" was not simply the location of a delicious chocolate, convection, popcorn and nut shop in Chicago on Clark Street, but a euphemism for something else.  Possibly even something that you shouldn't discuss in mixed company.  The nice thing is that "Nuts on Clark" has several locations in the Chicago area.

-"Nuts at O'Hare": that's just what the ladies like--some hairy nuts
-"Nuts at Midway": anatomically that's about right
-"Nuts at Soldier Field": use your cups, boys
-"Nuts at Union Train Station": major metropolitan area + public transportation = some crazies

Does not have a Clark in her life
to be nuts about
Patricia
-Profession: Student

-Favorite brand of gum: Stride flavor-changing gum

-The 1990 U.S. Census said that Patricia was the second most popular female name.  What was the 3rd most popular?:  Emily

-If you were a patrician (aristocrat) in Ancient Roman times, what would be your indulgence?:  Honey wine and grapes.

-Do you have any interesting scars?:  Yes, I have a lightning bolt scar!  And I also met Daniel Radcliffe and got his autograph from a chance encounter in New York.

April 19: Walker & Associates Jumpdrive

Thursday, April 19, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 11:57 PM
Given to Christina from Jesse.

Part I: See yesterday's story.

Part II: Jesse gives me the jumpdrive.  His only request was that I delete whatever files were on it.  Of course, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to see what the files were.  Here's what I found:

-recipe for gazpacho soup
-several archived pages of ESPN Deportes
-flyer for 2009 Contra Costa Oktoberfest
-folder containing 113 pictures of eyeglass frames

When I presented Christina with her prezzie, she said, "Well, it's at least something useful and I won't have to throw it away."

Christina
-Profession: Fundraiser

-Favorite hotel chain: Starwood

-You're Greek.  If you are totally confused by something, are you able to get away with saying, "It's all Greek to me"?:  No, I don't say that.  I consider myself more Eastern European or Mediterranean anyway.

-When you're buying gas, how often do you feel pressured to buy the car wash the stations prompt you to buy?:  I used to from time to time when I felt guilty on how dirty my car was.  The last time I got my car washed at a station was in 2004 when the car wash ripped off the sideview mirror.

-With your job in fundraising, can you take any lessons on what the Girl Scouts can do to improve your success?:  If we gave think Thin Mints out, I'd have much better clients.

April 18: Case Western Reserve University swag

Posted by 366 White Elephants at 1:00 AM
Given to Jesse from Nandini.
Clockwise from bottom left: reusable lunch bag, cup,
pink drawstring bag, frisbee, 3 pencils, girls engineering t-shirt,
and bag clip
Part I:

I'm flying home from San Francisco and I've got too many bags around my seat and I'm cramped.  The flight attendant walks by me and I tell her I have a question.  She gives me some snarky response and I tell her I will give her a fine local Bay chocolate if she can guess what I want within two guesses.  I told her she can ask me for a couple of hints, but that's all.  She says she doesn't like chocolate.  I say "Take my hummus and pretzel dip".  She doesn't like that either.  Meanwhile, Jesse--who I don't know at this point--is sitting across the aisle from me laughing at the interchange.

I offer her a hand-crafted limerick instead.  She accepts the challenge, but ultimately does not guess my question.  She does take my backpack and put it up in the front of the plane with the rest of the crew's belongings.  The flight continues and we all go about our business.

Toward the end of the flight, I think about how nice the flight attendant was and decide to write her a limerick.  I ask Jesse for a pen.  I write the limerick and give it to the flight attendant, which they both find amusing.  I thought Jesse was nice enough to let me borrow his pen, so I figure I should do something nice for him in return.  I rip off the one side of a Moleskine instruction book that had some blank space to write on.  The opposite side had some German writing.  Since I know German, I thought I would give him three random German phrases and their definitions.  I hand them to him and he says "I know German.  These are great".  I remember one being "Could you refresh my pillowcase?"

We talk some more and Jesse wants to be a part of my blog.  He reaches into his bag and--presto!--pulls out a gift, which I'll give to the next recipient.

Doesn't wear shoes because he likes
showing off his pedicure
Jesse
-Profession: Sales

-Favorite kind of shoe:  I prefer not to wear shoes if I can get away with it.

-If you could plan an afternoon picnic with either Ice Cube or Ice T, who would you pick?:  I'm a West Coast guy, so it would have to be Ice Cube.  He's in my generation, too.

-Since you travel so much for your job, what differences (i.e. perks) have you noticed between the airlines?:  They are pretty much all the same now.  In the old days, you used to have to ask to get upgraded with the exception of Northwest (they automatically upgraded you).  Now they all do that.  Once in a while, if you are nice to the flight attendants, they will comp you.  But that's more of a personal thing than with the company.

-What % of the flight safety instructions do you have committed to memory?:  100%.  I have heard that speech so many times, I could give it to myself.

April 17: Indiana Jones trick-or-treat bag, Little Rascals DVD set, Bone Screw, and Miniature Bluebird of Happiness

Wednesday, April 18, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 1:33 AM
Given to Nandini from Mike.
Nandini didn't get screwed by this gift pack
Mike may be a fine orthopedic surgeon, but I've got a partially-raised eyebrow on his gift-buying skills.  He said he bought the Little Rascals DVD because he just wanted to see if he could find it and buy it online (case closed).  The Indiana Jones bag was another kind of 'just 'cuz I can buy it I will' kind of gift.  The bluebird of happiness, he thought, was supposed to be like 400x larger than what he ordered.  From the picture, see if you can spy that little blue dot on the tan bag. But even he was like 'wtf, man, this is small'.  And the bone screw was taken from a patient from an operation earlier in the day.  Juuuussst kidding.

Keeps her socks on so she can go
dancing in the dark
Nandini
-Profession: Dentist-in-training

-Favorite computer app: Pandora

-'Nandini' is the name of a wish-granting cow in Hindu mythology.  What three wishes would you want granted?:  1) Contentment for my family; 2) Be the head of the Center for Disease Control; 3) be a superwoman who can run a house and be the head of a household and do it all great!

-You enjoy food and food blogs.  Give me your food review of an Oreo cookie:
I appreciate the way the two textures work in concert with each other--the crispiness of the chocolate cookie contrasted with the delicacy of the creme filling.  I do recommend to break the cookie when eating it.  I usually only eat the cookie part and dunk in milk--that part is certainly the most delicate.

-A fun fact about you is that you sleep with your socks on.  What would happen if someone pulled one off while you were sleeping?:  I would be mad as hell.  But I likely wouldn't notice.  But if I do get disturbed, it would not be a good day for that person.  And then I would have to get another sock because I couldn't stand the inequality on my feet.

April 16: Rent CD set

Monday, April 16, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 10:11 PM
Given to Mike from Jamie Jo.

Let me tell you about two universal, unstated rules between men--one of which was observed today between me and Mike.  Here's one, but it did not occur tonight: The bathroom.  If you go into a public bathroom with two urinals and one is occupied, you DO NOT go to the urinal next to the one being used, unless you're about to pass a kidney stone.  Otherwise, your options are to go into the stall or politely wash your hands until user #1 is finished doing his business.

Here's the second rule and the one observed this evening: a guy DOES NOT overly express interest in showtunes or Broadway musicals.  Mike pulled this off well tonight, so well in fact that I didn't know if he was just being polite at receiving a gift or if he really liked Rent and was toning his enthusiasm down. If a guy catches you humming/singing anything close to a musical tune, just look at him (you can continue to hum) and ask if he wants to do some arm curls.  It works.

You probably don't want to tell your significant other about this either.  However, the tactics to escape differ.  If your significant other asks you, "What are you singing?", your automatic reply (and you should stop humming) is "Oh a song from that Snow Patrol (fill in the Mad Lib musician name) concert I'm taking you to next month."  Works every time.

Mike
-Profession: Orthopedic surgeon

-Favorite household cleaner: Goo Gone

-What advice do you give patients about using elbow grease?:  I say use as much as possible.

-Do comedians and improvisors have larger funny bones than the rest of the population?:  Yes and they're more flexible and less likely to break.

-How fast do you think you could change a tire?:  About 7 seconds.  That will be the amount of time it will take me to Google "AAA" on my smart phone.

April 15: Trippin' Ashtray

Posted by 366 White Elephants at 12:05 AM
Given to Jamie Jo from Ray.
 The Raisin Bran sun's misguided step-brother
Some people say that kissing a smoker is like kissing an ashtray.  Whenever I hear someone say this, I really want to kiss a smoker to see if this adage is true.  I also think back to second grade when our class was going to make our First Communion.  Everyone wanted to know what the wafer tasted like and the teacher said it tasted "like cardboard".  Now, I'd like to meet the people who go around kissing ashtrays and eating cardboard.  Who dreams this stuff up?  That'd be like saying "Hugging a juggler is like eating Pop Tarts with Betty White."  I've got nothing against jugglers, but I've never hugged one (at least, to my knowledge), so I'm imagining that hugging one would be like eating a tasty toaster pastry with one of America's acting jewels.  Probably be fun, maybe a surprise somewhere in there.  It'd be hot because the filling inside a Pop Tart gets steamy and I would think after all that juggling the person might be a little warm and sweaty.

She either got a good-sized booger
or is about to fingerpaint.
Jamie Jo
-Profession: Paralegal

-Favorite portable electronic device: iPod

-Any similarities between a paralegal and a paratrooper?:  They both know how to jump out of high-flying objects and know how to prepare legal documents [for a law office, signing their life insurance waiver, respectively]

-Your hyphenated last name [maiden name is 10 characters, married name is 8] doesn't fit on any credit card applications.  What do you do?:  I haven't filled out a credit card application since I've been married.  But for prior credit cards, even my maiden name doesn't fit!

-Green Lantern was a terrible movie.  Does it make Ryan Reynolds any less hot?:  Not in the slightest.

April 14: "Apocalypse-ready" TV, Rama & Shinta figurines, and Mystic River DVD

Sunday, April 15, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 12:34 AM
Given to Ray from Chris.

When Chris presented me with these gifts yesterday, there was an accompanying short story with each.

"Apocalypse-ready" TV:  His mom bought this analog-only TV (the reason why it will survive the apocalypse) 30 days before the conversation of all TV signals from analog to digital.  She had to buy it because it was "a good sale".  In her defense, you could plug a camera or DVD player into it as it had the right number of ports, but Ray measured the screen size and found that his cell phone display was significantly bigger than the screen size of the TV.  "What am I going to do--plug the Playstation into it?" asks Ray.

Rama & Shinta figurines:  The Asian version of Ren & Stimpy, these belonged to an engineering professor (that Chris worked for) who was cleaning out his office.  He did not have the need for nor want to pack these Indonesian-made figurines with him to Hong Kong where is moving.

Mystic River DVD: Chris bought this in 2003 for no good reason, he says, and never watched it.  He admitted that when he was ill or bored, he would look at this DVD and opted to view something else.  It's never been opened.  Time to unwrap some Kevin Bacon!

Hoo-ray!
Ray
-Profession: Counselor

-Favorite branch of government: Judicial

-Which best describes you and why: x-ray, sun ray or manta ray?:  Sun ray because I hopefully can illuminate something.

-How many times have you wished you could have told someone to "take two pills and call me in the morning"?:  A few times.  It's a metaphor for "shut up".

-What's the appeal of being homeless?: Freedom