April 13: Two Decorative Picture Frames 

Saturday, April 14, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 12:38 AM
Given to Chris from Kali.
It's a bizarro universe: see me framed in the one on the right?
Some bad frame jokes to use at your next awkward social gathering:

Frame 1: You're looking fit, Reggie.  What's your secret?
Frame 2: Oh nothing big...just a little shadowboxing.

Frame 1: I've been waiting for you since 2 o'clock.  Where have you been?
Frame 2: Sorry!  I got hung up at the office.

Frame 1: Oh my gosh!  You're completely filthy!
Frame 2: Yeah, if I only had a mat...


0% chance he'll be named
"Bobbi Roberts" in the future
Chris
-Profession: Research Assistant

-Favorite Industrial Revolution invention: Chemical Battery

-Tell me the funkiness that's going on with your name.  Your full name is Robert Roberts?:  Yes, I go by Chris.  If I went by my full name--Robert Philmore Roberts III, that would have been much more sweater vested.  My names actually indicate where I was in life.  In college, peopled called me Bob Bobs and still do.  Now, I'm Chris Roberts.  I've been publishing under Robert Roberts, so people will know me by that name.

-You're publishing academic papers now, but you've always had a back-up plan in case school didn't work out for you?:  Yes, when I was in my Master's program, I had a truck driving license.  I knew I could always do that.  When I was getting my PhD, I said if this didn't work out, I'd be a river guide in West Virginia.  My goal is to be an inventor; my back up plan there is high school teacher and/or carpenter's apprentice.

-I understand your family owns a llama farm?: Yeah, my dad's a doc and my mom loved animals.  One day when I was growing up, my dad was watching football on t.v. and my mom threatened to buy something that she wanted.  My dad shrugged it off and said "Whatever".  Well, my mom bought a llama and we ended up having several of them.

My mom would make blankets and scarves with their wool.  And...the llamas liked bread as a treat.

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April 12: Bud vase 

Friday, April 13, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 12:53 AM
Given to Kali from LeeAnn.
This is the kind of gift that women
ooh and ahh over at baby showers
Is there anyone out there who immediately loses respect for anything or anyone named Bud?  If you've seen Gilligan's Island, wouldn't it completely alter the show if Thurston Howell III was Thurston "Bud" Howell III?  In reverse, would Bud Bundy be as memorable a character on Married With Children if his name was Steven Bundy?  No way, Jose.

Okay, so you're ordering a beer and say you want a "Bud".  I've got nothing against people wanting to pay $5 for a 16 oz glass of water, but that's why people order Pellegrinos because it sounds better and fancier.  Does anyone want a baseball commissioner named Bud?  And who would want to live in Bud, Wisconsin?  If I lived there, I might gather the required 2000 signatures to put a name change of Lake Meadows on the ballot in the fall.

In response to today's gift, give me a tree vase or flower pot.  But none of this bud vase garbage.

Looks like the guy in the background
should be doing sit-down comedy...
and choosing another pant color.
Kali
-Profession: Stand-up Comedian; Patient Advocate

-Favorite kind of bear: Black bear

-What kind of people call California 'Cali'?:  Douche bags.  Some people when they hear my name say, "oh, yeah, like the state, huh?".  Some guy last year made up a song to Katy Perry's California song using my name in the lyrics.  Yeah...

-What would sit-down comedy be like?:  More like story-telling, which is what I like to do.  Interestingly, I don't like to stand in other contexts--for instance, waiting in line.  I wouldn't give my seat up on the bus because I dislike standing that much.

-When you knit someone a scarf, do you choose wool to keep the person's neck warm or do you avoid wool so the wearer is less itchy?:  I use the cheapest wool, so they're itchy.  I put in weeks of time knitting a scarf, so I hope they like me enough to put up with some itching.

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April 11: "Go Green" Kit 

Wednesday, April 11, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 11:09 PM
Given to LeeAnn from Anya.

Anya's "Go Green" kit is a reusable grocery bag from Save-A-Lot stores, along with a freezable green glass with three green plastic shot glasses and a can of Guinness.  She apologized that no Bailey's was included, so LeeAnn will have to go find some if she desires to do any Irish car bombs.  However, LeeAnn is German and is adamant about only drinking Jaegermeister.

I've never done a shot of anything in my life, but whenever I hear of someone doing or wanting to do shots, I think of this guy I went to college with who did Apple Pucker shots on his 21st birthday.  No way to slice that one any other way than 'yuck'.

There's a freedom in her arms
LeeAnn
-Profession: Massotherapist; Barista

-Favorite scent of massage oil: Lavender

-How much do you think you have in common with LeAnn Rimes?:  I bet we both eat hamburgers and both like nail polish.

-What's the most random thing you've thought of when pulling espresso shots?:  Did I push the right button?  Was it decaf or regular?  Shoot.

-Finish this thought:  Give me porter, give me stout...: I sure love it, that ain't no doubt.

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April 10: Leg Pedaler 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 10:58 PM
Given to Anya from Sande.

I have no idea what to call this thing.  As you might imagine, you place this device near your feet and then place your feet in the straps and start pedaling.  It's not only weird because other stationary bikes I've seen have a seat or handles and that kind of thing, but also because there's no torque when you pedal.  You can't vary the strength of resistance.  You could pedal for 5 hours and probably burn 19 calories, I'm guessing.

If I could, I'd give this to my friend Mike, who I see at the gym pedaling on the stationary bikes for long periods of time.  He always has a cheap paperback novel he's reading, usually a poor man's version of The Firm.  But I also feel okay making the exchange with Anya because 1) she doesn't have a TV, so she'll be reading and pedaling like Mike (because she wants to be like Mike); and 2) her boyfriend told me that she has developed a leg cramp while driving, so this may work that bugger out of her leg.  Yay!

Anya
-Profession: Community Development; Grad student

-Favorite racket sport: Tennis

-Is there any part of your life where you feel like you're pedaling and not going anywhere?:  Yes, in my current grad program.  I'm not learning anything and neither is anyone else.

-Do you listen to Enya?:  Occasionally.  But I don't like when people call me that.  I will sing to the song she sang in Lord of the Rings.  I pretend that I like that and can sing like that.

-A while ago, I was walking out with you and your boyfriend to a parking lot when another gentlemen thought I was with you and said, "You've done good for yourself, son."  At that moment, you thought which of the following?:
A) Corey (my bf) has done good, get it right!
B) I'm helping boost Dan's profile, aww yeah
C) Why, hello...
D) _________

I'll take D.  I was wondering if he just liked me or my car or did he like that I was picking people up?  I have no idea.

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April 9: Canvas Owl Sling Bag 

Posted by 366 White Elephants at 12:17 AM
Given to Sande from Melissa.
"How many bags does it take to get to the center?"
The committee of one at the Great White Elephant Exchange learned a little something about bags today.  I was originally going to call this a messenger bag, but it would be more apt to call it a sling bag.  A sling bag is a type of handbag that rests on the low back and worn over one shoulder with a strap that winds around the chest.  A messenger bag is a bit more heavy duty with more compartments and buckles and snaps and that kind of thing; bike messengers use them today as did riders in the Pony Express.  You wouldn't call this a satchel either as a satchel, though similar, is used predominately for carrying books.  This little nipper could carry a sandwich and hand cream and still make you look classy.

Former employer has dedicated
snade unit
Sande
-Profession: Retired Banking Professional

-Favorite kind of juice: Cranberry

-Are you ever confused when people talk about sand wedges or sandwiches?:  Confusion has not arisen--yet.  Although they both go well on the golf course.

-Why is your name spelled with an 'e' instead of a 'y'?:  There were a lot of girls named Sandy growing up and my mom wanted to name me something that would be a little different from everyone else.

-Take the letters of your name and come up with a new word and its definition: Snade- someone who behaves in a dishonest way or criminal manner

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April 8: College Survival Kit 

Sunday, April 8, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 3:31 PM
Given to Melissa from Anna.

There's a logic here that I've been instructed to explain about Melissa's gift, courtesy of Anna.

The Ramen is a college student's staple and is included without question.  As you roll into the early-evening, enjoy the Nature Valley granola bar as a snack.  When you and your peeps start the pre-party, enjoy this delicious, thirst-quenching Natty Light, along with a shot of whatever from your Delta Tau Delta shot glass.  The next morning, as you crawl out of bed, sip on some Gatorade to get rehydrated and eat the oatmeal to get back on your feet.  Then use the 5-hour energy in the mid-afternoon to perk up for all the last-minute Sunday studying.

Her pies turnout just 'okay' when
making them on one leg
Melissa
-Profession: Social worker; Policy Coordinator

-Favorite computer accessory: Scanner/Copier Duo

-You're a self-described 'excellent pie maker'.  Are yours even better than an Amish roadside one?:  They're way better.  I don't use lard, which is gross.  I even will pick the fruit myself.  I make a tasty fruit pie.

-When you had a factory job in college, how did you end up passing the time?:  I learned to stand on one leg for 3 hours at a time.  I was making baby bottle nipples and car parts and I had to find some way to entertain myself.

-In talking with strangers on the street, has anyone every asked you for money?:  I will talk with whomever.  I say hello to people as I pass them.  One time I passed this guy and said hello and he asked me if I had any money.  I told him I didn't.  He then asked me if I need money for the bus.

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April 7: Half-Marathon Running shirt and 4 Hammer Gel Energy Packs 

Saturday, April 7, 2012 - Posted by 366 White Elephants at 6:36 PM
Given to Anna from Sally.

Some flavors just shouldn't be made for running gel packs.  In case anyone out there is unaware, runners will slurp down one of these packs during their race to get the nutrients they need to continue on.

Here are the flavors deemed "okay" for consumption: Orange, Raspberry, Tropical, Montana Huckleberry
Aside from Montana Huckleberry, which sounds like a stripper you'd want to avoid, you could conceivably buy the rest in sports drink flavors.

Here are the flavors deemed "no thank you":
-Vanilla, Chocolate- If they have these, then where's butterscotch?  I bet you just gagged.
-Espresso- Provide me with a copy of The Times and the background of inane conversation on how your boyfriend's cheating on you, and this gets moved into the "nausea" category.
-Banana- I only eat plantains.
-Apple Cinnamon- I'm sweating like a hog with 10K to go and the last thing I'm hankering for is something like a Baker's Square delight.

Anna
-Profession: College student

8th most photographed
bridge in the U.S.
-Favorite kind of bridge: My cable-stay steel bridge I just made

-As a soccer player, do you feel a little slighted that nature and science programs refer to vast distances only in football fields?  What about measuring the distance from the Earth to Venus in soccer fields or tennis courts?:  I'm okay with it.  I like watching football better than I do soccer.  Plus, soccer fields can vary in size.



-Anna, Ohio was home to what:
A) largest earthquake in the state
B) first ultimate frisbee competition
C) Cribbage history museum

Anna: I think it's C
Dan: No, it's actually A
Anna: What?  NO way!

-Within 4, how many times have people called you 'Anna Banana'?:  Thousands of times!  I don't like bananas [and presumably the gel packs], so I don't like it when people call me that.  It's okay when my gym teacher does or this cashier at the supermarket, since both of them are named Anna.

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